On The Third Hand

… that this Australian plan was implemented in the U.S.

MELBOURNE, Australia - A leading Australian fertility expert said Thursday he has asked state lawmakers to help turn around dwindling sperm bank reserves by publicly signing up as donors.

Prof. Gab Kovacs, medical director of Victoria state’s largest in-vitro fertilization clinic Monash IVF, sent letters to all male state lawmakers aged under 45 to pose the question, “have you ever thought of becoming a sperm donor?”

“We hope that if some of the leading role models within our community become donors, others may follow suit,” the letter, mailed Wednesday, said.

Think of the possibilities.

You’re young and healthy, and of prime child bearing age. But the ole man is too pooped to pop. In desperation you turn to one of the many newly opened Congressional sperm banks.

Prior to receipt of your Congressional DNA strands reality sets in. It comes in the form of a disclaimer offered for your signature by the nurse, who strangely, resembles Monica Lewinsky. In fact the resemblance is uncanny, but the disclaimer pulls your attention away from her to its laundry list of provisions. It begins with standard boilerplate: “Welcome to the Congressional Reproductive and Progenitors (CRAP) clinic.” But your eye is drawn to paragraph 3, sub-paragraphs b, c and d.

3b) Donors to the Congressional Reproductive and Progenitors clinic in all cases shall remain anonymous. In some cases, a male partner may “bank” sperm if he anticipates problems with chemotherapy or other medical conditions that may affect his sperm later in life. In all cases Congressional donors, in anticipation of future legal and ethical difficulties as related to paternity, will immediately enter the “donor witness protection program” if said cases should be filed.

3c) CRAP clinic fully intends to follow the “all inclusive” doctrine. To that end potential donors will not be limited strictly to current and past Congressional members. Certain qualified and deserving donors shall be accepted and also shall be provided anonymity.

3d) Legal disclaimer: CRAP Clinic has been and never will be responsible for “wrong sperm inseminations,” we ain’t culpable for nuthin’, go ahead and sue. Our bank of shysters have assured the CRAP Board of Directors all CRAP assets are either in Swiss bank accounts or provided diplomatic immunity as a result of being stashed in Kofi’s Annan’s closet.

Stick that in your… hemm… “tubes” and propagate it!

Shaken by the written page your imagination turns to thoughts no human should endure. Reeling with a realization that screaming little sperm cells may be introduced into your system, you stagger towards freedom from this evil place. Reaching for the door you envision giving birth to fraternal twin moonbats. You stumble out, into the sunshine and race to the parking lot.

Now safe in your SUV you have a moment to reflect on the last few minutes. Deciding there is no way in hell you will risk raising a child that could grow up to be a Chappaquiddick swimming instructor you select the only option available.

Adoption.

This entry cross posted @ Cranial Cavity.